


Peace of Mind

by laurensisahufflepuff (arborealstops)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 10:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18119393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arborealstops/pseuds/laurensisahufflepuff
Summary: [thaurens][warnings: mentions of death, suicide, and self-harm]After his best friend dies in an unfortunate accident, John Laurens is struggling to find peace in his life. School is hell, his father is abusive, and his one safe place is gone. Without Alex, he doesn't have the means to go on.Who would have thought that the person to save his life would be his best friend's worst enemy?





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> So... I'm trying Hamilton again? Wish me luck.

The first day back to school was the worst. People couldn't seem to work up the nerve to talk to me. They all gave me those stupid, puppy-eyed, sad looks of someone who knows that they should be upset, but they can't quite bring themselves to, so they feel guilty. I couldn't meet their eyes.

The headlines and news reports were still running flashing through my mind, drowning out everything else. _Teen boy killed in accident with George King. Unfortunate accident with Senator King leaves boy dead. Fatal car crash with New York senator kills high school student._ They all raced through my mind, bringing up other thoughts and memories that felt no better. I could see it in peoples' eyes, in the way they spoke to me, that they were afraid, although I wasn't sure why. Were they afraid of me trying to follow Alex, trying to kill myself? They should have been worried about that for a long time, before my best friend was gone. Or were they worried that I would do the opposite- that instead of fading away, I would blow up, I would explode in their faces if they said the wrong thing? Whatever it was they were afraid of, only one person spoke directly to me that day, and that was the school counselor, Mr. Washington.

Mr. Washington was almost like a father to me and to some of my friends, but mostly to Alex. He was probably the only one at the school who actually knew what it felt like to go to that funeral, who knew what it was like to lose someone you were that close to. Gilbert and Hercules probably would've understood, but Gil had gone back to France just a week ago, and Hercules had gone with him. I hadn't been as upset as I should have been, but then again, I'd had Alex. I'd figured I'd always have Alex. 

He'd been there for me since the first day of freshman year, when he moved to New York. He and I were both new that year- he'd come from St. Kitts, I'd come from South Carolina- and we bonded immediately. There's just something about two people not knowing anyone that pulls us together. Ever since that first day, when we both got so lost that we couldn't even find the office, Alex was the one to stand up for me. 

Gilbert and Hercules came last year, my junior year. At that point, Alex had become more popular. Suddenly, the Schuyler girls and John André and a bunch of other people came to sit with us at lunch, but Alex always put time aside for me. Even when he started dating Eliza Schuyler- even though I could tell Angelica was better for him- he made sure that no one made fun of me and that he put time aside to hang out with me. Then Gil and Herc came, and our little guy-group was a bit bigger. Gilbert came from France as a foreign exchange student, and Hercules was coming out of homeschooling. They fit in with our group quickly, but they were always more interested in each other. They both graduated last year, and Hercules went with Gilbert to France, and that was that. 

As I sat in Washington's office, staring at a quote painted to his wall ("Legacy. What is a legacy? It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see") I couldn't help thinking about Hercules and Gilbert and mostly Alex. I didn't know what I was going to do without him. 

"John?"

I looked up to see Mr. Washington standing in the doorway. I didn't say a word, just tilted my head. 

"I have another student here who is going through something similar in relation to Alexander." I saw the pain flash through his eyes quickly, but acted as though I hadn't. "Would you mind doing a group session?"

A few people flashed through my mind- Gilbert, Hercules, the Schuyler sisters... I nodded, and Mr. Washington stepped aside to reveal the student. 

"Jefferson?!"


	2. II

"Mr. Washington, you can't possibly expect me to get along with him- he made my life a living hell for years!" The moment that my worst enemy- or, rather, Alex's worst enemy, which basically made him mine- had walked into the counseling office, I had left as fast as I could, going straight for the restrooms. There was no way I was sharing my feelings with Thomas Jefferson- he had no idea what I was going through. 

Mr. Washington stood in front of me, his mouth pursed into a frown as he glared at me. I could tell he was disappointed, but I didn't care. I glared defiantly back up at him, though I was sure that the effect was diminished by the seemingly-permanent red rings around my eyes. 

Washington sighed and crossed his arms. "What did he ever do to you?"

I gaped up at him, my mouth dropping open slightly. "What did he do? What did he do?" I shook my head in disbelief. "He constantly made fun of Alex, fought with him every chance he had, spilled his secrets to the whole school-"

"But what did he do to you?" Washington was annoyingly calm as I glared up at him.

"But, Alex-"

"Isn't you." Washington looked even more insistent. "What. Did. He. Do. To. You?"

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, about what he had done to Alex when it struck me, the meaning of what Washington was saying. "Oh."

The counselor relaxed slightly and leaned against the wall. "What did Thomas ever-"

"Nothing," I interrupted, my voice soft. "He did nothing to me. But don't expect me to be all buddy-buddy with him." I looked up at Washington. "Okay?"

"Fine."

 

* * *

 

"John!" I looked up from my locker and saw Peggy Schuyler walking toward me. School had ended nearly twenty minutes ago, but I was re-organizing my books- again. It was a good way for me to go back over my day. 

After I'd spoken to Washington, he had agreed to let me do individual counseling- but he did want me to give Thomas "another chance." I'd told him that I wouldn't promise anything. 

"John!" Peggy snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Earth to John!"

"What?" I blinked a couple of times before I looked at her. "Oh. Sorry."

She offered a gentle smile. "There you are," she laughed. "It's okay, I get it. It's Monday and all that."

I gave her a weak smile. "What's up, Peggy?"

Peggy and I had been best friends all through elementary and middle school, but in high school we had grown apart a bit. Normally, she wouldn't come up to me if she didn't want something. 

She chewed her lip, looking a bit nervous. There was a small pang in my chest as I watched her. _The old Peggy wouldn't have been afraid to talk to you,_ I thought to myself, then frowned. _The old you wouldn't have anything that would make her afraid of you._

"Peg? Are you alright?" 

She ran a hand through her hair. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she replied, and I stifled a sigh. _How the fuck would I be okay?_ I was about to tell her that I was fine when she amended herself.

"No, not that," she muttered. "I just- I'm here, okay? When you need something?" She looked down at her feet. "I'm sorry," she added in a soft whisper.

I frowned, grabbing my bag from where I had left it on the floor. "Thanks." 

I meant it. I didn't know if she could tell, but I meant it. I was sick of people saying that they were sorry, or they knew what was going on, or asking if I was okay, and then just disappearing. I was grateful for Peggy offering her friendship. 

I closed my locker quietly, then looked over at Peggy. Her eyes were on a paper taped to someone's locker, but I could tell that she had been watching me. I smiled slightly. 

"Hey, Pegs... do you want to walk home with me?"

Her eyes flashed back to mine, suddenly bright, and a small grin flashed across her face. "Really?"

She made me want to smile for the first time all day. "Yes, really."

She nodded eagerly. "Can I have a piggyback ride?"

I laughed. I actually laughed, and it echoed through the hallways, causing me to stop and just tilt my head, listening to the brief echo. "Anytime, Pegs." 

She grinned and hopped on my back and immediately started rambling about her sisters and this girl in her English class named Mary, or something like that, and I grinned, only half paying attention. 

_Maybe I did have a friend at school, after all._


	3. III

I came home to the smell of something burning... again. My sister Martha was sitting on the couch, her form blurry from the smoke that my brothers were anxiously trying to fan out of the wide open windows. 

A small smile tugged at my lips, despite the odor and lack of breathable oxygen. It just wouldn't be a Monday without mom burning something.

"What was it this time?" I asked Martha as I helped Henry and James fan out the living room. Mary, my youngest sister, sat on a blanket in the middle of the room and tried to imitate her brothers, nearly ending up with her in an absolute face-plant. 

"It was spaghetti this time," Martha sighed exasperatedly, but there was a hint of a smile on her face. _Good._ I didn't want to upset my siblings in the first week of school. 

"Spaghetti, huh?" I shook my head. 

"Yes, spaghetti."

Martha squealed and ran away giggling as I turned around to see my mother with a playful glare on her face. 

"Hey mom..."

She shook her head and stepped forward to hug me. I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder for a second, enjoying the feeling of someone being there to protect me. 

"So what did you do this time?"

Mom laughed as she pulled away from me. "I don't even know. Something about the tongs in the noodles and-"

" _Tongs_ in the noodles?"

"Isn't that how you cook spaghetti?" I couldn't help laughing a little at the genuinely confused look on my mother's face. 

"Generally no, mum, but whatever works for you." I kissed her cheek then flopped down on the couch. "When's dad getting home?" 

"Probably not until around eight, at the earliest." My mom sighed. I could tell she was stressed, but she understood why dad had to work so late. Mom couldn't work much because of her health, and they had to pay for the five of us somehow. "I'm gonna go order some pizza. Are you going to eat dinner with us tonight?"

I shook my head and pretended not to notice the disappointed look on her face. "I'll grab a slice later." I wouldn't.

Since Alex had died, every little aspect about my life had gone downhill- fast. I was eating less, sleeping less, and schoolwork wasn't even something that crossed my mind. As my mom walked out of the room, I closed my eyes, my mind going back to the day I'd learned what had happened to Alex.

I'd been home alone. Mom was picking up Martha, James, and Henry from school, Dad had been at work, and Mary was at daycare. I remembered because I was never home alone. When I was younger, if I knew my parents wouldn't be home, I would always go visit Peggy, but when we grew apart, Gil or Herc would come over, and Alex was always at my house. But he'd said he couldn't make it that day. He had dinner with the Washingtons- they were like second parents to him after his own had died. I'd been home alone, just me, my book, and Jacky, the puppy Alex had found and given to me when Mr. Washington wouldn't let him keep it. 

It was weird for Alex to not be around, even if it was just for a day. I remembered resisting the urge to text him constantly, to see how things were going with the Washingtons. If they were like second parents to Alex, they were like an extra aunt and uncle to Gilbert, Hercules and I. Any time the four of us wanted to hang out and get away from our parents, we always went to the Washingtons'. It was strange for me to not be there with Alex, but Martha had said that she had something important to talk to Alex about. 

I remembered that Alex was supposed to be there at five. I remember looking at the clock at four forty-five and thinking that Alex was probably already there. I remembered texting Gilbert and Hercules to see if they wanted to Skype, since they'd already taken off to France. I remembered calling them on my laptop, talking and laughing. Those happier moments seemed blurry and faded compared to what came next. 

I remembered being interrupted by my phone ringing. I didn't recognize the number, so I ignored it. When they called three more times, I finally hung up on the call with Gil and Hercules. I remembered it so well I could almost hear my phone ringing still. 

"Jacky! Your phone's been ringing for, like, ten minutes!" 

_Whoops._

I opened my eyes and sat up. James was holding my phone out to me. "Sorry Jem," I said as I took the phone from him. He shrugged as I glanced down at the caller ID. 

There was no name anymore, but the number was one I recognized. I'd memorized this number almost before I'd memorized my mom's number. Frowning, I swiped to answer the call and walked upstairs to my room.

"Peggy?" I was honestly surprised she still remembered my number- and that she had the same number. It had been easily three years since the last time either of us had called the other. 

"Thank God, I wasn't sure if you still had the same number!" There was a sigh of relief from the other end of the line. "How are you doing?"

My brow furrowed as I sat on the edge of my bed. "How am I doing?" Why was she calling? What was going on? Was something wrong?

"That's what I asked, yeah," she replied. "Are you all right?"

"I- I'm fine..." I was still super confused. "What's going on, Margarita?"

"John, babe, you haven't called me that since, like, third grade. I'm Peggy. And nothing much, I was just bored."

"Just bored?" My brain seemed incapable of working properly. "And you called me?"

"Is it a bad time? Oh, you're probably eating dinner, aren't you?"

"No, no, it's okay, it's just... we haven't really talked in... years."

There was a beat of silence from the other end, then:

"I'm sorry."

I frowned. "What?"

"C'mon, Jacky, don't make me say it again. I'm sorry, okay?"

I flopped back into the pile of blankets on my bed. "Why are you sorry?"

"For not talking to you for so long. I'm really sorry."

I shrugged before realizing she couldn't see me. "It's okay, Pegs. It's a two-way street." 

Even though she didn't say anything, I knew she was smiling. 

"Now, the Peggy I know wouldn't just call for no reason. So what's up?"

She laughed. "You're right. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have a sleepover? Like old times."

"School night," I replied immediately. "Plus, dad would never let me stay the night at a girl's house, no matter who that girl is interested in."

She sighed. "I knew you'd say that..."

"I feel like there's a continuation to that sentence, and that I might not like it."

"You're coming over for dinner-"

"I am?"

"-and then I'm invading your house for the night."

"You are?"

"Yep. Now open the damn window."

"What?"

"The window." And she hung up. 

I stared at my phone for a second, then looked at my window. 

_Damn that fire escape._

Peggy was standing on the ladder that led out of my window into the backyard and grinning at me. I rolled my eyes but smiled, the first genuine smile I'd had in a while. 

"Come on, turtle boy. It's nearly dinner time and mom and dad don't know I'm not home."

Rolling my eyes at the nickname, I sighed. "I'm coming, dork." And I climbed out, still smiling.


	4. IV

After dinner with the Schuylers, it was like we were back in middle school. Peggy and I did everything together, and Eliza and Angelica usually joined us. We talked about everything, from Gil and Herc, to cute people at our school, to how much the biology homework sucked. There was only one thing that none of us talked about, even though he was on all of our minds- Alexander Hamilton.

I could tell by the way Eliza winced, or Peggy's head snapped up, or Angie straightened her spine anytime she heard a small tidbit of French in the cafeteria. How they would all look around when Charles Lee started yelling at someone. We all wanted to talk about him, but I think it was because of our complicated relationships with him that none of us could bring him up.

Peggy had been Alex's closest girl friend- not to be mistaken for girlfriend, though many people thought they were dating. He told her nearly everything, and spent plenty of time calling her about everything- guys, girls, homework. You name it, and they probably talked about it. Just like me and him.

My relationship with Alex was probably closer to what Angelica had, though. We were both close to him, and spent as much time with him as we could- for a different reason. See, Angie and I had something that brought the two of us closer together for a long time- we were both head-over-heels in love with Alexander Hamilton. She'd moved on, though- just like Eliza had.

Eliza had dated Alex for most of the time he'd been here. They were meant for each other, it seemed- the moment she first saw him, Eliza was madly in love, and so was Alex. She'd broken up with him last year though, after rumors about him cheating started to spread. False rumors, of course, started by none other than-

"Laurens."

_Thomas Jefferson himself._

"What do you want?" I refused to look up, not wanting to acknowledge his presence any more than I had to. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on the three girls across the table from me. No matter what I'd told Washington, I was not going to be friends with Thomas Jefferson.

"I wanted to apologize-"

My head snapped around, and I stared at him, partially shocked, but mostly pissed. Him, apologize to me, after everything he'd done to Alex?

"For, y'know, interrupting your session with Washington." He'd been staring down at his lunch tray the entire time he spoke, but he finally risked a glance at me. I met his look with a cold glare, and he looked back down. Next to me, I felt Peggy grab my wrist, a way of comforting me, as well as holding me back. She shouldn't have worried though.

"Apology not accepted," I replied, turning back to my lunch. Thomas stayed there for a minute, until the combined glares of the Schuyler sisters scared him away.

"What was that about?" Angelica's boyfriend, Aaron Burr, another of Alex's old friends, leaned forward. "He was just apologizing."

"He's a dick." I shrugged, took another bite of my sandwich, and turned to Angie. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" Angie popped another piece of bubblegum into her mouth. "Scare him away?"

I nodded, and she laughed. "We were at a party, once, after a football game. He tried to make a move on me, I punched him, and he's been terrified of me ever since."

I laughed at that. "What a baby."

Eliza rolled her eyes slightly, but I could see a small smile on her lips as she unwrapped her chocolate bar.

"Seriously, though," I continued, sobering up a bit. "He's such a dick. He spent years making fun of- making fun of him, and now he's, like, king of the school."

Peggy shook her head. "It's so unfair. But he seems a little more... subdued, this year, I guess." She mused, shaking her head. I shrugged.

"Probably because he has no one to torment this year."

"Yeah," Aaron added. "Just wait for it. I'm sure he'll go back to being an absolute dick any day now."

* * *

"John." I looked up from the book on my lap to see Mr. Washington's smiling face. "It's your turn."

Closing my book, I followed him into his office.

"How are things with you and Thomas?"

_Wow, Washington. Way to start simple._

"Same as ever. He's a dick, I try to ignore him." I shrugged as I slumped into the (rather uncomfortable) chair across from his desk.

Washington pursed his lips. "Please try with him. I'm not able to give you any information about him, but Thomas- he's going through some rough stuff. He's gone through rough things. Don't give up on him, okay?"

Washington looked earnest, like he actually meant it.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, sir." I gave him a mock salute, and he rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, John. I'd like it if you'd hang out with him-"

"Fine, fine. Whatever," I sighed, nodding along, already searching for a reason why I couldn't meet up with Jefferson.

He glared slightly before continuing. "-which is why I've organized for both of you to come in at the same time tomorrow."

Fuck.


	5. V

"John. John!" My head snapped up from my dining room table. "Wha- what's going on?" 

I blinked slowly, trying to focus on something, but it was a good minute before my mom's face swam into view. For a minute, I swore I saw Alex standing behind her, the way he would have just a few months ago, but then I blinked and he was gone. 

"You fell asleep doing your homework last night," my mom said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I didn't realize, or I would've gotten you up sooner."

I shrugged lazily, about to lay my head back on the table, when I suddenly remembered- _Mr. Washington's meeting!_

My head snapped around fast enough to cause a sharp pain in my neck. I rubbed it as I glanced at the clock. 7:30- _shit_. School started in fifteen minutes, and my meeting was scheduled for first thing in the morning. I shot to my feet, looking around frantically. 

"Your dad took the car," my mom said quietly, as though she was afraid I'd be mad. I just shook my head and gave my mom a quick hug. _I hope no one was paying attention to what I wore yesterday,_ I thought as I raced out the front door. 

Glancing at my watch, I gave myself about six minutes to cover the mile walk to school. Groaning, I started jogging, hoping to make it in time for the meeting, if not the first bell. 

No such luck.

As I jogged up to the school building, I caught a glimpse of one of the windows- class was already in session. Panting, I leaned up against the school building, pulling my hair back into a messy ponytail before I walked up to the front doors. 

I bounced from foot to foot as I waited for the secretaries to unlock the door, looking right into the camera. I tried to make out my reflection in the small black circle, trying to decide if I looked decent enough to pass as normal. I was midway through tucking in my flyaway hairs when the lock on the door clicked.

I let myself in, walking into the office. I'd already prepared exactly what I was going to say- "I'm sorry ma'am, my father took the car- no, ma'am, we don't have another. Yes, ma'am, my mother was busy"- but I didn't get the chance. 

"Mr. Laurens." Washington was standing right inside the office, glaring sternly down at me. It suddenly hit me how absolutely terrifying he could be. 

Not willing to risk speaking, I nodded a greeting to him. He coughed, and I looked up at him. "Trying to skip our meeting?"

Skip the meeting? Why would I- oh. The realization suddenly hit me as I saw Thomas Jefferson peeking out of Washington's office. _Right._ But I still wasn't willing to lie to Washington, even if that would've made an easier explanation. "No- no, sir," I replied, internally scolding myself for the stammer. It's Washington, I reminded myself. Just Washington. "No, sir," I repeated, straightening my spine. "My father had to take the car today and I fell asleep at the table last night and my mom-"

"It's fine," Washington suddenly interrupted, his face now wearing an expression of sympathy rather than sternness. I saw him look me up and down and did my best to hide that the outfit was the exact same as yesterday's. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but I was still embarrassed every time. "Are you ready for the meeting then?"

On the inside, I was protesting, dragging my feet, kicking and screaming to be let go, to not be put in the room with that monster. But on the outside, I was nodding, and my feet were walking, albeit slowly, toward Washington's office. 

When I walked in, Thomas was staring out the window, watching a pair of birds outside. I eyed him suspiciously before glaring resolutely at the floor. This was not something I was doing willingly, and I had every intention of making it as difficult as I could for Thomas. 

Mr. Washington cleared his throat. "I'd ask the two of you to introduce yourselves," he began. "But you both obviously know each other." I could feel his eyes on me and I reluctantly looked up at him. 

"Do you know why I put the two of you in here together?"

_To be a jackass,_ I thought to myself. "To teach a lesson?" 

"Yes and no," Washington replied. "Any other guesses?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Thomas's curls bounce as he shook his head. 

"It's because you're going through similar things," Washington informed us gently. "Both of you have lost someone special recently."

I flinched back into the plastic chair. There's no way Thomas fucking Jefferson could feel anything like this. No way.

Mr. Washington leaned forward. "Due to the nature of the loss, we already know who you lost, Mr. Laurens," Washington said, and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, not just for my sake but for his own as well. I tried not to let myself feel too sympathetic- not now, at least. "Mr. Jefferson, would you mind telling John who it is that you lost?"

I tried not to look at him, but my curiosity got the better of me. I risked a glance, and saw that Thomas looked smaller like this, less intimidating. In fact, he looked almost scared as he answered Mr. Washington's question.

"My mother."

_Oh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter that I have pre-written, and it's from December, so it's gonna probably be a bit before I get another chapter out there.


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